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RYANOSAUR500 dinosaurs mixed in one |
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| Feb. 15th, 2007 @ 06:11 pm Nameless Plunder | |||||
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...thanks quiz, i didn't know. :(. |
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| Jan. 21st, 2007 @ 06:36 pm Nameless Plunder | |||
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| this is going to be one of the biggest weeks of my life. on monday, i have a dental appointment. i have to get the car damage appraised from the fender-bender, and i've got to (in four hours or less) say goodbye to irene for six months. then, i have to get rick. tuesday, irene is leaving. i've got no real plans for tuesday, other than just sitting around, i guess. and the usual. the new schedule. it's interesting, i guess. trying to catch myself, and keep myself on guard with improving my day to day life. i think this day will be up and down. then, i have to get rick. wednesday, 21. i turn 21 on wednesday. big day, i suppose. kinda funny how irene is leaving the day before, and for me, that sorta has overshadowed my birthday completely this year. i've been considering having some sort of party or get together, but, who knows if that will materialize or not. so, after i have my regular birthday antics, i have to go to work, teaching, until 8:30. it's also a big week teaching because the owners are going to come. then, i'm going to have to go and get rick. thursday, i should start looking for a job. i've been putting off employment so i can wallow and spend as much time with irene as possible, though she's had other things to do, and we haven't gotten to spend as much time together as i would've liked. but, i understand her position as well, so, i can't really complain that much. i got a lot more attention these past few weeks than many others have. then, i have to get rick. friday. friday is, well, it's the end of the week. if my life is in any kind of order on friday, i think i want to do some filming. or at least, some editing. i want to... get on that, you know? i think it's about time i just let loose and created for a while. it's going to be a tough friday though, i think. although, by this time, i will probably be high as a kite. then, i need to get rick, ending the weekdays. on the weekend, saturday, i have to... breathe? i don't know. something like that. and on the sunday, well, i don't know. so, we'll see more as the week rolls along, but, i think those first few days there are going to be quite a doozy. on top of all of that, on the thursday, is samantha's mayfield audition. she's going for drama. i hope she gets in. she deserves it, and need to go to a good school. a school that isn't... based in springdale. i have faith in her. other than that, things here are going alright. i'm playing a lot of guitar, and my fingers are proving it. they're pretty much to the point now where they don't even look calloused anymore, because i play so much they've just adjusted to it. i think i want a bit of a haircut? or a trim? i don't know. i sorta like it now, too. we'll see. writing everyday has been hard, and a couple times, i have already failed. i guess i just need to adjust my focus. but, sometimes i leave it too long, or, i lose interest. it's somewhat of an embaressing thing to admit, but, i find myself spending a lot of time just in thought, and self-reflection. a good chunk of my day is just spent in solitude. i think a lot about the way i am, the way others are, they way things turn out in life, etc. i guess it's good and it's bad. i mean, i spend a lot of time thinking about my life, so, i can draw better conclusions on it... but, as well, perhaps i dwell on thoughts too long. 2007 has come in with a bang. i've done a lot of things already, and the first month isn't even over yet. i look forward to what 2007 has in store for me, and for the world. i think some really neat shit is going to happen this year. thanks for reading. |
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| Jan. 10th, 2007 @ 03:36 pm Nameless Plunder | |||
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| hello, hello. hello. this is my livejournal, and it is supposed to be a count of my life. well, here's to counting! 1. |
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| Dec. 24th, 2006 @ 04:32 pm Nameless Plunder | |||
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| dear livejournal, everyone i've talked to today has yelled at me. everyone is just yelling and yelling. i went upstairs because i needed a hug, but, all i got was yelled at instead. i'm a bad son, a bad friend, and a bad person overall. i'm going to play video games and cry until it's time to go to bed. love, ryan. |
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| Dec. 13th, 2006 @ 02:53 pm Basic Theology - Yellow Ball | |||
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| i.. just want to be the man inside the yellow ball looking outwards at the world observing and recording all my place is here, and the time is now but i want that all to change i want to try and make my way to find another type, of human game but the world is on my shoulders and your fate is yours alone to determine if you swim or sink if you take the time to stop and think oh why do the birds rise in the morning time and sing their songs to me oh why does the ocean breathe the cold air that we need to survive in the summertime our names are not important and our faces mean no thing the harm we bring to everyone is the goal of a human being you watch us from so far away wondering when we'll come to find what the meaning really is and why we're still struggling to be alive it's a game... called life the winners are the ones who lose and the losers are the ones who never try who never attempt to cross the line oh why cannot pigs fly so the things that i imagine now could exist and be somehow oh why are you still there don't you realize what i do i bring out the worst in you *solo* oh why are you still there don't you realize what i do i bring out the worst in you and you know that it's true. |
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| Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 02:21 am Nameless Plunder | |||
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| ah, 1:49 in the morning. another early wake up call tommorow (or, technically today). i don't know why i do this to myself. string myself out, that is. wear myself thin. today i think i went through all of the emotions in the book. happy, sad, mad, tired, love-y, proud, disappointed, strong, weak, good, bad, and obviously 200 more. i was all over the place, never finding the happy medium between feeling positive about the world, and wanting to keep being a part of it. working at job which doesn't challenge me is really making me feel poorly. add on top of it the giant "every job is going to suck" speech i get twice a day from people i care the most about, and it makes me wonder why the fuck i should work at all. money. money is the reason i should work. i need money, you know. to cover all the expenses that come from living. from being alive. to be alive, it costs you money. to get money, you have to be employed by one of these workplaces which "suck". to move up in the world, and get a job at a place that doesn't "suck" you have to pay more money to an institution which will attempt to educate (a term i use in a very loose manner) you, after which you can struggle to get the job you want. sounds stupid. sounds pointless. i'm 20. i've got no direction. everyone keeps telling me where to go. what to do. what i should do. what i need to you. "ryan, you NEED to do this" "ryan, you NEED to do that". i don't agree with most people. all i really NEED to do is breathe. i don't need to get a job. i don't need to wake up. i don't need to fall asleep. i don't need to care. i don't need to be loved. i do want to be loved, though. i know you were pressing, but, i was a bit emberassed. i mean, it's hard for me to say things like "she doesn't deserve this. you should let up a little bit. chill out." when i'm not speaking to the subconcious. it's the first time i've ever done that. there is this strange feeling inside of me which i can't figure out, but, it makes me feel like it's going to be the last time i do that, as well. i want to be free. i want to be a freebird, and fly, fly away. high, high away. forever. there's so much love in the world. but it's always over-shadowed by so much hurt. too much pain. love is such a strong emotion, but, it is frequently beaten to death. taken away. sometimes through love comes great sorrows. sadness. big sadness, you know? it's like, you love to be alive, and you love to experience things. but i tell you, right now, i would love to just... go away. to forget. to disappear. i'm 20, and i already want to disappear. already? perhaps still. i'm 20 and i still want to disappear. the desire to go away, the need to be understood. the want to be forgotten. why do i feel that need? why do i feel like this? is it because it's 2:03 in the morning, and i worked an almost 12 hour day, and spent most of my time spinning around in a chair, not wanting to go on the internet for fear of being a "shitty worker"? is it because i feel chained? is it because i feel worthless? as i dragged my feet to the bathroom before i started this post, i wished i was something more than i actually am. ha. i wished. i really did wish, you know. in my head i said "i wish..." why do people wish for things? we all know that wishes come true at about a 50% rate. so, why do we constantly wish for things? even things we know are impossible? i needed some encouragement tonight, you know. perhaps a keep your chin up speech about how sometimes you have to make sacrifices to ensure that you make the world around you a better place. and that you can only do things for yourself. and that perhaps there are jobs out there which will inspire you, and make you think, and feel, and have to put in an amount of effort. and that perhaps the world isn't just a shithole where everyone works themselves to the bone for mere pennies. i needed the "everything is going to be okay" speech. i needed confirmation that perhaps i was wrong. i needed all of those things. well, i might not have NEEDED those things. but, i sure did want them. i desired them. desperately. once i'm done crying about this, what will it have accomplished? this will just be another livejournal entry i wrote. another emotion i felt. add it to the list. pile it on. just take a shovel, grab as much of my soul as you can, and toss it on the pile of emotional garbage which sits somewhere to my left. 2:20. grow up, ryanosaur. |
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| Dec. 5th, 2006 @ 08:45 pm Nameless Plunder | |||
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| take a moment, please. out of your day. take a moment to print out a picture of me, from the internet, or your personal collection. then, place it gently on top of the water in your toilet. directly after that, squeeze some shit out all over my face. then flush. it'll be funny. try it. |
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| Dec. 5th, 2006 @ 02:43 am Nameless Plunder | |||
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| hey guys. it's 2:30 am on tuesday morning. i have to wake up in roughly 3 and a half hours to go to work with my dad. i will be there for 12-13 hours probably. i'm tired now, but, i can't go to sleep. i got invited to go to ilichna's, but, she has another guest, and i would be uncomfortable taking away from that. i hope you're having a good time ilichna. i can't... focus. i should sleep. but all i can think about is peeing. eating. getting high. drying my eye. peeing again. singing about how the sunshine is better on the other side. i wish. i wish i was a little bit taller. i wish i was a baller. i wish i knew a girl, who looked good, i would call her. but she'd be asleep. because it's 2:32 in the morning now, and most everyone is asleep. also, her phone would be off the hook. so, it wouldn't ring. i think it'd be awesome if phones hung themselves up after the initial beep beep beep period. cell phones do that. house lines aren't the same. the fact of the matter is, here i am in brampton. brampton. brampton. steve posted a picture in a facebook group, and kimberly (a girl i went to middle school with) posted a comment on it. steve posted a comment back to her. and although both comments were a little harsh, it really tripped me out that people who i know, who don't know each other AT ALL were having a facebook conversation. it fucked me up. well, i guess that's not what fucked me up, but, seeing that was also weird. anyways livejournal, and faithful livejournal friends list, i'm going to go and pretend i'm asleep. meanwhile, i'll be thinking about how awesome it would be to get high, eat some pizza, watch the three robin hoods, and hug. and not have to get rick afterwards. when you think about me, i ask you to smile. there are too many good memories. i talked and talked. for a good 15-20 minutes. i couldn't shut up. i can't ask you to be chipper. i can't ask you to pretend. i miss that laugh. oh, that laugh. ah, look at me. here i am again, carrying on. going on and on and on. jabber jabber jabber. blah blah blah. everything i said was true. everything i say is true. treu reut true erut eutr. letters. language. communication. desperation. the desire to feel heard. the desire to express ones thoughts. the need to say what you feel. on, and on. i'm here. if you need me. i'm here. if you don't need me. it's now 2:42 in the morning. i'm going to bed. where i will whisper to myself "ryan, are you awake?" but, i won't respond back, so, at least somewhere in my head, i'll think that i'm asleep. |
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| Dec. 1st, 2006 @ 04:40 am Nameless Plunder | |||
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| I'm good bro. I do wish I could teleport. But, I'm good. |
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| Nov. 14th, 2006 @ 04:54 pm Nameless Plunder | |||
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| "your lawn is clean." i chuckled, "yeah, almost... almost." it's clean now. at what cost? squiggly face. |
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